if i was going to drop dead…i was going to do it in sparkles….
the sensations began when in the middle of teaching sacred sweat and I must confess …this indescribably uncomfortable feeling in my chest~like i couldn’t breathe scared me…. and when this rather new and interesting dilemma began to permeate through my days with the simplest of chores, it quickly became apparent that i needed help. late one evening, I brought myself to the emergency room, and hours later a misty inhaler machine had me feeling slightly better. i was eventually sent home with several pocket sized inhalers that i was told to use before class…they were to open up my lungs and allow for easier breathing…however ~ made me dizzy and the ability to bring air into my body didn’t improve. after a few days, i returned to the hospital for testing on a stationary bike ~hooked up to wires and once reaching anaerobic state, being rather gruffly placed onto a gurney with a heart monitor to find out what was happening, then x-rays, then the cold dye in my veins and into this big tubular machine to lie still for a bit. it wasn’t bad…not spa like…and not that i’d know mind you….but it was ok as far as a day in the hospital goes. hey, people were lovely and I was smilin’…
the next morning i got a call saying my presence was requested at a heart specialists office…and the smile quickly left my face.
“well kimberly, you know those Olympic athletes that just suddenly drop dead on the track or the court?…..that’s you. your heart is too thick and strong and the valves aren’t working properly, so i’m putting you on viagra.” “VIAGRA? ….you mean, the drug that has side effects of blindness? i’m not going on that drug!” ” listen to me…he said with a distinct air of frustration….the FDA wouldn’t do anything that wasn’t safe for people”
that’s when i knew i was in the wrong place and i absolutely couldn’t stop myself from blurting out…. ” fuck the FDA, i’ll fix it myself!!!!!!!” i then high tailed it out the door and headed to my favorite little boutique where these dangly earrings had been taunting me for months….i say taunting, because they were $128. which is seriously out of my budget but I burst out with , “i’ll take those please…” they are dangly, sparkly and NOTHING like me at all but the little girl in me secretly pined for them and if she was going to drop dead without so much as a warning, she was going to do it in sparkles!
they asked if i wanted them wrapped and i said, no thank you i’ll put them on now and i marched out with a big dose of “so there” conviction and into my car where i proceeded to sob…and then call my sister.
after telling her the whole story she immediately replied…”of course your heart is too hard and too thick you dumb ass, look at what you’ve lived through…you made it that way to protect yourself.
i sat there in utter silence…those lingering worlds ringing in my head….i was dumbfounded that i hadn’t ever made the connection between my thoughts and my body…
in the past I’d had bone tumors, cysts and fibroids cut out of me and never really made the connection. it was as if a light bulb went off in my brain, and in that instant i knew there were the darkest of places I had to muster up the courage to explore…and deeply.
as soon as i got home i enlisted a dear friend to help me…with what i wasn’t exactly sure, but i knew i was in for a big journey…….and with her guidance, the most challenging parts of that adventure lasted for about a year. every day i learned more about forgiveness and acceptance, compassion and healing….thinking about who i had trusted..forgiving myself and them, experiences i had held onto…deep~deep inside… day after day I began to feel a tiny bit released from those thoughts that kept me in bondage…. living in compassion for those who had caused so much pain and terror was quite a challenge for me….from my mother to people whos names i didnt learn until they were lined up on a wall behind one way glass at the police station. every one of them. i finally found peace (not every moment, but more often than not) AND i could breathe again. the connection was made and I understood it.
……with the one year check up before me, i enthusiastically walked back into the hospital to meet with mr. viagra and the heart specialist to retake all the tests again.
life is so interesting isn’t it?
would you like to know the medical benefits of forgiveness?
they could not detect one single trace of a problem with my heart.
the practice of forgiveness reduces anger, hurt, depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence, leading to healthy relationships as well as physical health. it also influences our attitude…..which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love….worth the trip, wouldn’t you say? xo.